Be It Ever So Messy, There's No Place Like Home: The "Adventures" of a 50-Something Southern California Mom - who used to be interesting... and her teenage daughter.
I hadn't noted yesterday's date until I was buying groceries that morning. I chuckled silently to myself as the checker and the shopper in front of me talked about the perils of leaving the house.
When I look back at 2009, I'm going to think of it as the year when EVERY day was Friday the 13th.
Of course, that's an exaggeration. The Mills family has had some gooddays this year -- even some that could be described as "fun."
But I had a really hard time finding happy posts to link to in the last sentence. I struggle with keeping a positive attitude in the best of times, and thanks to the triple whammy of problems with health and home and recession, 2009 could not even remotely be described as a good year.
Megan was feeling the same way on Thursday. For one thing, I had to get her out of school a little early to go the dentist. But her sad mood was deeper than dental dread.
"You're going to be mad at me," she said.
That got me worried.
"My new shoes were stolen," she said, nearly choking back tears.
She loved those shoes. We spent a lot of time shopping, and when we couldn't find the pair she wanted, she went online to the Converse website and created a custom pair that was just her own. It cost about twice what I would have paid at Target.
Our middle school has a uniform requirement, which is one of the things we parents like about it. I feel we've had an easy time of school shopping because of it. But Megan is finally starting to think about expressing herself through clothes. I know that will sound funny to moms of kindergarteners who always want to dress up in fairy princess costumes, but my daughter never went through that phase. She wasn't the kind of kid who cared for wearing fancy dresses; she never played with makeup. (Although she did love to make a mess in the bathroom, creating new "perfumes" by mixing together all the scented shampoo/bath oil/body wash/etc. she could get her hands on.)
I think all that time she spent in gymnastics left her with little energy to contemplate the image she was projecting to the world. Now, she's got plenty of time -- but little opportunity. The only items where the school allows her some creativity are in her choice of backpack... and shoes. So I gave in.
It took about three weeks for the shoes to arrive. Thursday was only the second day she wore them. When she finished PE class, she discovered that someone had taken them out of her locker. No, it was not locked.
"I never lock it. No one ever takes anything," she said. She knows now that some people do, if you come to school with something they want.
"It doesn't matter if they lock it up," our dental hygienist said sympathetically. "My niece has had two cellphones and an iPod lifted from her locked locker. These kids are criminals. They know exactly what to take and how to take it."
We're shopping for shoes again. This time, she's going to settle for whatever is on sale.
It only FEELS like a year and a half... and my teenager has been home with nothing to do for only a week.
Yesterday, I dragged her with me to a Nintendo event out at Hancock Park, site of the La Brea Tar Pits. This was the perfect place to promote the company's new Fossil Fighters game, and they had planned an exciting day for families, with simulated fossil digs and of course, a cool demonstration station for the game.
It was kind of a big deal, with a lot of media presence, including local television stations. I had to sign release forms to give permission to use our image.
Where was my daughter?
"I don't want to be here. I don't want to play the game. And I don't want to be on TV!"
What a difference a couple of years makes. It wasn't that long ago that my association with Nintendo made me the family hero. Now... not so much.
The game looks like a lot of fun: it can be played alone or by two, and features a role-playing storyline. All of the younger kids who were in attendance looked like they were having a great time.
But my daughter was determined to stay out of the line of the cameras, and I wasn't about to let her sit alone on a park bench. So I checked in with the press person who invited me, said hello to my blogging friend Elise, and whisked my daughter off to a nice lunch at the nearby Farmer's Market.
I've stated here several times that this 75-year-old landmark is among my favorite spots in the city. I've been a fan since I was a very young child. My grandmother used to take me there for lunch (usually egg foo young at the Chinese Kitchen), and when I got older and worked in the area, I often went by myself. These days, living all the way up in the northwest Valley, I don't get there as often as I like -- usually just on Mother's Day, when I insist that we have brunch at Monsieur Marcel.
French is not my daughter's favorite cuisine, but there are plenty of other choices there. But as my 13-year-old has the palate of a toddler, we ended up at Du-Par's, home of simple, traditional all-American comfort food.
I can't complain. This has been a good week for me and the Farmer's Market, as I got to have my Monsieur Marcel fix a couple of days ago, when Sweatpants Mom and Amy's Funny met me there after our Got Milk event on Monday.
After lunch, we did a little shopping: We picked up some fruit at one of the fabulous produce stalls at the Market and then hit Barnes & Noble at the Grove, where Megan found a book she's been looking for for months. I even found something cool: L.A.'s Original Farmer's Market Cookbook. Besides recipes, it's got great little profiles of the history and people behind the stalls at the market.
It even tells you how to make that egg foo young I used to love.
I picked up a copy and devoured it, even though I won't be able to try out any of the recipes until our kitchen is put back in order (which won't be for another couple of months). I can hardly wait.
DISCLOSURE: I did not receive any compensation in the form of money or product from Nintendo in exchange for talking about their game launch yesterday. I have never been approached by anyone representing the Los Angeles Farmer's Market -- I just love the place. I purchased the cookbook with my own funds because I wanted it. I did include my own Amazon.com affiliate link in this post, because why not?
For those unfamiliar with the term, "sexting" refers to the act of using your cell phone camera to send a naked photo of yourself ... and the media would like you to believe (in the words of CBS News), that it's "shockingly common" among our teenage children.
I remember a few years ago when nude photos of High School Musical star
Vanessa Hudgens surfaced; they were meant to be a private, sexy
surprise for boyfriend Zac Ephron (or Nickelodeon star Drake Bell,
depending on the news report). To me, it seemed like just another dumb
thing teen celebrities do, because those kids have money and jobs and grow up too fast.
Who knew that ordinary teens would think this is a good idea?
My first reaction upon learning of this trend was horror. I have a newly minted teenager and she's just purchased a new cellphone made for texting with her friends... and it has an excellent built-in camera.
My second thought was denial: This is not something MY daughter or her friends would engage in.
And then I reverted back to horror: Since she turned 13, she's been surprising us regularly with actions and decisions that seemed unthinkable just a few months ago. She's growing up... and all bets are off. While I was fairly certain that this isn't something she's doing now, I figured now was a good time to have another talk about cyber-safety.
I also wanted to know if this was an activity her friends or acquaintances had experienced.
"So I'm writing a blog post about 'sexting,'" I told her. "Is that something you've heard of?" I explained to her what it is and was relieved to see that she was as horrified by the idea as I was.
I told her that some insecure girls send naked photos of themselves to prove that they are "grown up"... or to impress boys. But that sending anything by cellphone (or posting to the web) can result in unintended consequences. I told her the tale of the girl who sent a photo to one boy and was shamed when he, in turn, sent it out to others -- until it had been seen by everyone in the school. I told her of the case where the kids who sent nude cameraphone photos had been arrested for distributing child pornography.
We ended up having a good discussion about safe texting and some ground rules for using that new phone of hers: No texting during school hours, and no access to the phone in her bedroom at night. That's a good time for her to charge it -- out in our living room.
I was reminded of another news report that also horrified parents around the country (and, incidentally sold a lot of newspapers and gave news networks a surge in ratings): That one indicated that an alarming number of middle school kids were engaging in oral sex... in school bathrooms, at parties and even at Bar Mitzvahs.
Once this report was published in the Washington Post, all the other news outlets jumped on it, and it became accepted wisdom -- even into this decade. When my daughter was in 5th grade, we attended a "Birds and the Bees" seminar, and the parents' orientation was kicked off with a video of an ABC News report on the subject.
That phenomenon has since been debunked in a nationwide study by the Guttmacher Institute, which found that today's teens are not more sexually active than they were in 1991.
From Newsweek: "Why is society constantly speculating about the most salacious stories about our children? Possibly because they confirm our worst fears about the values of the next generation and our growing sense that we really have no idea what's going on with our kids."
I have a feeling that the "sexting" news is a similar symptom of that, and I am not alone.
I want to believe that's what I was doing when I brought the subject up with my daughter. And I consider that talk to be just one part of a long conversation we'll be having for a long, long time.
Disclosure: I recently became a member of the Yahoo! Mother Board, and will be writing themed posts at their request each month. I am not being paid any monetary compensation for my participation. I did, however, receive a nice bouquet of flowers from Yahoo! for Mother's Day -- which I very much enjoyed.
The folks at Yahoo! have created a "Top 10" List for Cyber-Safety:
1.Yahoo!
Safely
- a complete resource for all things cyber correct.
3.Applying a filter to
your child’s Yahoo! Mail account is simple by creating a family account to monitor your child’s
use of Yahoo! and edit and maintain their account settings.
4.Talk to the hand, Mr.
Spammer.Yahoo! Mail uses the latest technology
to combat spam and to help protect you from phishing and viruses. Yahoo!’s spam
guard will filter out 97% of all things bad.
5.You can flag photos
on Flickr for abuse via the “Report
Abuse” link that’s available in the footer of every page.
Yesterday afternoon, I was able to treat my daughter to a rare opportunity: a personal chat with Olympic gold medalist and Dancing With the Stars finalist Shawn Johnson.
On Monday afternoon, just as I was getting ready to drive her to her workout, my daughter dropped a bombshell on me.
"I want to quit gym," she said, tears streaming down her face.
I've written a lot about the sacrifices my daughter makes to participate in this crazy sport. I also confess to a bit of smugness about it, because in contemplating the adolescent storm she has now entered, her dedication to gymnastics makes ME feel very secure. If she is spending 20 hours a week at gym, she won't have time for activities that might get her into trouble.
But I also know that the reason she excels in the sport is because she LOVES it. There is NO WAY you can MAKE a child spend all of her evenings and most of her weekends in a hot, chalky gym unless she or he is having FUN. And I have always known that there might come a time when she might not feel that way about it any longer.
The question is: Is THIS really THAT time?
"It's not my favorite thing any more. I'm not enjoying it."
This statement is flabbergasting to me, my husband, my friends and my family, who have all seen my child at home, practicing floor routines (not just hers but the routines of all her teammates). But if it's true -- if she really isn't enjoying it any longer -- she should be allowed to quit.
But exiting gymnastics would leave a huge 20-hour-a week void in her life -- not to mention the fact that I count on her being at gym during the summer so I can work n peace. I absolutely don't want her to spend her days hanging out at home watching TV or prowling the local mall. I don't think she wants that, either. She has too much energy for that.
"If you do quit, you need to find another sport," I told her.
"I've been thinking I might try track and field. Or tennis."
Now that the bomb was dropped, she went out back to sit on our diving board, dangling her feet in our pool. I called the gym to let them know she wasn't coming -- and why. Her coaches weren't there yet. I was told to expect one of them to give me a call.
I started researching summer track and tennis programs in our area.
I hadn't seen any previous indication that she was tiring of the sport. In fact, she was moving full steam ahead: she had been promoted to Level 8 after just three meets at Level 7 (the third was her state competition). She had momentum. Her coach was training her on tough new skills at advanced levels 8-10.
Ahhhh...
"I've been thinking about this since just before state," she told me. About a month. Since her 13th birthday.
"I can't do the double back flip on the high beam, and that's what I've been assigned for the tumble-a-thon. All I do is fall and my coach has to catch me. Every time. I hate it."
Ah-haaaah...
The tumble-a-thon is our new old gym's current fundraiser. It's like a walk-a-thon, where the kids find sponsors... only instead of paying for laps walked, they have to pay for successful performance of assigned skills. Megan's coach probably thought she was encouraging her to try harder at this skill -- but my daughter's perfectionism -- which is an asset for a gymnast -- may also be causing her a major bout with fear of failure.
In hindsight, maybe her coach should have assigned her a skill she's already mastered -- a conclusion I think she now shares, judging from the chat we had when she called.
"I don't want to talk to her," Megan sulked.
I relayed the information.
"She's 13," her coach noted in a way that seemed to say that explains everything. "Put me on speaker," she said.
Megan scowled and turned her back at me when I pressed the speaker button.
Her coach admitted to riding her pretty hard the last couple of weeks. She told her that she was going to lighten up, and ease off on that double back handspring on the high beam. She begged her to come in -- even if just to talk. She said that they would be having FUN that day.
Megan wouldn't hear any of it. She walked away from me and my phone and locked herself in her room. I thanked her coach for calling and told her I'd keep her posted.
"You are going to have to talk to your coaches," I told Megan.
"Why?" she asked.
"Because you can't just leave without having a discussion. They need to know why. It's helpful for you and it's helpful for them."
Silence.
"Even when you quit a job, you have to have an exit interview," I told her.
It was obvious that talking about it any more that afternoon was not going to be productive -- so I grabbed one of the gift cards she received for her birthday and took her shopping, which brightened the mood a little. I resisted the urge to make a stop at the gym, even though we were in the neighborhood.
Monday night, Megan received a text message from her coach. "Shavahn wants me to call her tomorrow after school," she sighed. And when one of her teammates called her after practice, we overheard Megan tell her she intended to quit... "unless Shavahn talks me out of it."
Megan also complained that she learned that Monday's workout had turned into a "fun day" - heavy on silly games and light on conditioning. "I didn't want to miss that! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?" she whined.
So there was hope.
On Tuesday, Megan finally talked to her coach.
"What did she say?" I asked Megan eagerly.
"She said that when she was a gymnast, she almost quit five different times -- but always decided to come back. And it all began when she was 13."
"So what are you going to do?" I asked.
"I guess I'll give it a try. She says that we're going to have a lot more fun days. And that in the summer, we'll have days when we do beach trips or go to Magic Mountain."
So she's back at gym... for now. But she says she still feels confused. I guess that's why I couldn't resist asking Shawn Johnson about it (check out the look on my daughter's face when she hears my question):
See the rest of our interview with Shawn Johnson here.
No, this time I'm going to offer some words of um, wisdom for all of you parents of younger kids -- so you can benefit from all I've learned on this wild ride called motherhood.
There will come a time when you will look back at all those headache-inducing hours spent at Chuck E. Cheese...
...and bland G-rated movies you sat through -- over and over again on DVD...
...and afternoons at the park that never seemed to end...
...and you will miss it.
Babies, toddlers and elementary school children can be mysterious -- but when you get them figured out, they're pretty simple.
They are easily amused by cuddly plush stuffed animals. Put them together with their peers, and they tend to be happy just to play. Take them to a loud, colorful spot with lots of places to run around and climb and you can almost relax enough to have a chat with your friends.
As the years go by, living with your kids becomes more complicated. They learn about the world around them. They formulate opinions of their own. This is a good thing; it's what we want.
But it's not as easy. Gone are the days when you can present your daughter with something cute you found on sale, because chances are, she won't like it. I have not decided if tween and teen girls take an automatic dislike to their moms' finds on principle (because duh! Something Mom likes can't possibly be cool)... or that this is just one of the easiest ways for them to separate and assert their independence (even if that means they and their friends all dress ALIKE).
Whatever the reason, when you have a tween or young teen daughter, you must take her with you when you shop and (this is most important!) you must not look at the merchandise until she has selected it herself. Should anything strike your eye as something that would look nice on her, you must refrain from taking it off the rack, looking at the price tag or (God forbid!) bringing it to her attention because she will tell you she HATES IT. But if you are lucky, she will find it on her own and try it on. However, most of the time, she will pick out something that is completely inappropriate.
Of course, you do have final say because it is usually YOU who will have to pay for it. But be prepared for lots of fruitless shopping trips where you leave empty-handed.
Around the time your child starts middle school, he or she will make a show of abandoning all things deemed "childish." Your kids may continue to enjoy watching programs on Nick or Disney Channel, but will tell you they hate them. By now, you may have started to look forward to the release of high quality animated films, but you are no longer able to drag your kids to see them with you, because they will refuse to see anything rated "G" -- and "PG" is suspect, too.
As we'll be hosting my daughter's Bat Mitzvah in a couple of weeks (and so have no budget for a birthday party), I thought I'd celebrate by taking a few of her friends to the ArcLight after school today -- but the only PG one playing right now is "Monsters vs. Aliens," which got me a big "thumbs down." This is a film with the voices of Reese Witherspoon, Steven Colbert, Rainn Wilson, Will Arnett, Paul Rudd and Hugh Laurie, all performers with a high cool quotient... but it's animated, it's appropriate for kids, so it's a no go.
I suggested we go bowling... or play miniature golf. These are things she thought were fun just a couple of years ago. I wistfully remembered how in a pinch, I could make her happy with a visit to the dreaded rat pizza place. I wisely kept that idea to myself.
In the end, she would be happy to have a couple of friends join her here at the house to watch the DVD of "Twilight" we gave her as a gift -- which isn't so complicated, after all.
My daughter has grown an entire inch since September; she's now just a tiny bit shy of my height. I admit, that's not a high mark to reach -- but it is disconcerting to see my baby girl looking so grown up these days.
She has finally surpassed the 80-pound mark, too - so her dad and I are starting to loosen up on restricting her to the back seat of the car. With the cold weather, she's been appreciative of that, as our front seats are the ones with the "tushie-warmers."
So she was seated beside me during most of the marathon shopping I did last week. We had just finished our "intake meeting" for Bat Mitzvah preparation with our cantor and were on our way to Target to pick up some last minute items, when Megan announced that she thought she should start shaving her legs.
As proof, she held one of them up (in the way that only the flexible young - and gymnasts - and flexible young gymnasts can do while seated in a moving vehicle). To my surprise, it was pretty hairy. I had to admit she was right.
"Okay, let's get you some shaving gel while we're in the store," I said.
She will be thirteen in a little over four months. It's time. I've already told her that it would be okay for her to wear a little makeup, if she wants to. So far, she doesn't seem to care about that. And that's okay, too.
I'm proud of the way she's turning out. She's in no hurry to grow up and seems to be happy with being a kid still. But she is becoming assertive about letting the world know she's no longer a baby. For instance, when we dine out, she now refuses the children's menu (even though she still refuses to eat most of the dishes offered adults).
She did it again this morning as we were seated for a hotel breakfast and the hostess was too quick for my request to get a kids' menu anyway. Sure enough, my kid wanted the buffet - which is half the price for young people age 12 and under -- and at a San Francisco hotel, that's a significant discount.
"But I'm almost 13!" she said.
"But for the next four months, you're still 12," I pointed out.
"I think you should let them know Maddy is a kid, too," my daughter sulked. Her cousin, who is traveling with us, is nine months older and she doesn't want any of us to forget that.
"I don't think I can pass for twelve any more," Maddy said.
"Yes you can," my daughter argued.
They went on like this for a few minutes.
I think my daughter is right on this one -- I know a lot of 12-year-olds who look way older than either of these two. But I have tried to teach my kid to be honest, and so tend not to fudge on her age. The only time I did so was on our last visit to Disneyland, where they now charge you he the adult price after the age of TEN. I think this is a really greedy change of the 12-and-under policy that had always been in place before, but if I'm going to stick with this honesty and ethics thing I say I care about, I should be more ashamed of that than I am.
When the waiter took our order, I let him know that one of the girls was 12 and the other one was not. But I think he charged us for both of them at the kids' price, anyway -- which was really nice of him.
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