I spent the morning at the home of Erin Kotecki Vest, where Los Angeles Fire Department Captain Stacy Gerlich showed us what we need to do to prepare for the next big disaster (be it another brush fire or an earthquake).
As I left Erin's home to pick up my daughter, I returned a call from one of my closest friends and learned that she's been diagnosed with breast cancer. It's stage one, so that's in her favor. But as I said, it's been a sobering day, nonetheless.
So I'm in need of some laughs - which I got when I viewed the following from Tuesday's Daily Show:
I'm still functioning in "responsible" mode - watching my weight, cleaning the house, paying the bills... I may even surprise my tax accountant and give her my records on time.
Can you tell it's January?
All this perfection cannot last. I'm not even sure what has prompted it -- I don't make resolutions any longer. I am starting to think that this is a coping mechanism for the dreary economic environment. When things spin out of control, you focus on the things you can actually manage.
And despite the joy I felt last week over the Inauguration (which I still experience every time I hear that President Obama has signed a new bill or has made a new appointment... which has been like, EVERY DAY since he took office -- and isn't THAT refreshing? I mean, this man has a work ethic!) -- it's hard to feel joyful when you're living on significantly less income... and you're not even sure THAT's going to last.
So I was grateful when I received the email I'm reprinting below. The friend who sent it to me is a political conservative whose anxiety about the future is probably not being tempered by happiness over the fresh energy in Washington -- so I think she may have needed to laugh even more:
Some of you may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? Don't you miss their humor? Not one single swear word in their comedy...
(Note: Even though there are no swear words, these jokes are NOT politically correct, especially if you are a Jewish feminist. They are definitely of another era... but still funny.)
There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
I was just in London- there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!
"Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know, you're the one who's working".
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In the Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie? A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers ? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? A: Facing Bloomingdale's.
A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" The mother answered. "Not too good. "I've been very weak" The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" "Because I don't want my mouth to be full of food if you should call"
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark . I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us; we won; let's eat.
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.
Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Most of the people who come here are aware that I was a production assistant on Johnny Carson's Tonight Show while aspiring to write for television myself.
Of course you know that, because I never stop reminding folks, lest you all think I've always been the 50-Something suburban gymnastics mom you see today. I really was a capable and accomplished young person once, and I may even have been borderline cool.
I think that's why I had SO MUCH FUN at last week's PBS showcase for television critics. For one thing, I ALWAYS enjoy it when my silly little blog is treated with the same respect shown for "real" (traditional) media. But TWO of the presentations dealt with comedy and comedians... and once a comedy geek, always a comedy geek. So I hung on every word spoken by veteran stand-ups Lewis Black and Richard Belzer as they talked about George Carlin and what made his work so extraordinary.
Carlin's daughter Kelly was also on hand to help promote the network's broadcast of the Kennedy Center's tribute to him as recipient of this year's Mark Twain Award (set to air February 4th).
The discussion reminded me of my days on the Carson show (I was the writers' assistant), when the guys would parse jokes and sometimes get into heated (and somewhat academic) discussions about what constitutes "funny."
I became even more nostalgic later that afternoon, when Amy Sedaris took the stage to talk about "Make 'Em Laugh," a six-part series tracing the history of comedy in America, from the turn of the 20th Century. Amy narrates the series, which debuts tonight and is hosted by Billy Crystal. Each episode deals with a different aspect of funny business.
I've seen five of the six episodes already (thanks to the DVD review copy the PBS folks gave all in attendance - like I said, "treated with respect"!) - and the entire series is comedy geek heaven.
Tonight's program consists of two episodes:
1: "Would Ya Hit a Guy with Glasses?"
Subtitled "Nerds, Jerks & Oddballs," the hour features clips from silent comic Harold Lloyd to Woody Allen, Phyllis Diller, Jonathan Winters to Steve Martin, Robin Williams, Cheech & Chong and Andy Kaufman through to stars of today, like Steve Carell and Seth Rogen. But it's the commentary from admirers like Judd Apatow, Michael McKean, Richard Lewis, Jerry Seinfeld and Chris Rock that put it all into context.
I love that they went to Bob Hope's comedy writers (Harold Kanter and Larry Gelbart) to talk about the evolution of Hope's material. Of course, the man isn't around to do new interviews, so all that's left are his writers! Still, it's always nice when someone reminds the public that while comics are naturally funny and witty people, most are usually supported by an army of writers.
Most illuminating for me is the focus on how difficult it was in the 50's and 60's for females who aspired to be comics: Jean Carroll, Phyllis Diller, Joan Rivers and Lily Tomlin are all represented, and they talk frankly about how difficult it was for women to step out of the accepted role of housewife and mother.
Back then, it helped to be unattractive, which Phyllis Diller says was part of her initial success. People (men) had a hard time surrendering to a female commanding the stage.
I think a documentary on female comedians would be a fabulous follow-up to this series.
The second hour of tonight's program is "Honey, I'm Home!" (Subtitled "Breadwinners and Homemakers"). This is an excellent history of the American situation comedy - from The Goldbergs (which is so old even I'd never seen it before!) to the Simpsons. It's got as many clips, interviews and analyses as the first episode -- and is just as interesting. And funny.
The entire series is wonderful relief from the reruns and reality dreck the commercial networks are feeding us this month -- not to mention the fact that the world seems to be crumbling down around us. I don't know about you, but I don't think I will get through the next two years without my fix of The Daily Show and SNL. (Alas, you will have to wait a couple of weeks to see those shows covered in the final episode on satire and parody. It's called "Sock it to ME?" - and if you're as old as I am, that phrase will mean something to you.)
As the old saying goes, "Laughter is Medicine."
And if you're a comedy geek like me, you'll love it.
Hey! I'm giving away a Superbowl Party pack (valued at $250) over at SoCal Stuff. Find out what's in the pack and how to win it here.
(Thanks to Lawyer Mama, who forwarded this to me):
Dear American:
I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a
transfer of funds of great magnitude.
I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had
crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion
dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most
profitable to you.
I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement
as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader
of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transactin is
100% safe.
This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as
quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our
close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer
advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will
act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.
Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account
numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbail...@treasury.gov
<mailto:wallstreetbail...@treasury.gov
> so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I
receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about
safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.
Here's another of those humorous emails my friends and family insist on sending me:
Now, really, who should be going to school ? ? ?
I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real notes written by parents in an ALABAMA school district. Spellings have been left intact.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weeken d with the marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.
Here's one my sister sent me. She says that some of these apply to my husband, and others to her husband and son. How about you?
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in. The AAA is not an option. I will win.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer until the tow truck shows up.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like tofu.For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss an entire show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator)...applies to engineers mainly.
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars or sport. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a modern sensitive man, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... like looking for my socks, or wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand Men
I am about half-way finished with my post about last weekend's Arizona visit. I know, it's taking me a lot longer than I expected, which should no longer surprise me.
Yesterday was just a whirlwind of a day: I started it with a rare face-to-face meeting over at the LexieGirl offices. My girls, Faith and Kim, who started this clothing company in Faith's garage, have grown so much that they just moved into a 3800-square foot office/warehouse -- and they are finally ready to ditch the amateurish website I put up for them for something that really befits their products. But even though they are enlisting professionals to create a new site for them, they still want me to maintain it for them. And as I need the money, I'm happy to continue working for them. (Actually, what I need is a whole new smaller sized wardrobe, so right now, we are bartering my time for the clothes.)
Anyway, I spent my morning writing time in a meeting with Faith, Kim and their new web designers.
Then, something REALLY unexpected happened: My husband called and asked me for a lunch date. Yep, he was offering to take time out from work, drive back to the Valley, and take me out to lunch for Valentine's Day. We used to have lunch together a lot, back in the days when we both worked downtown and didn't have a child's schedule to deal with.
Of course, I said yes -- even though I had planned to finish the Arizona post AND write a contribution for Health Care Day over at MOMocrats.
And after lunch, I had JUST enough time to pick up the ingredients for the Valentine's Day DINNER I had decided to make (because I can EAT again! within reason), put them away at home, pick up Megan from school, take her to Hebrew School, go to the gym (because I have lost all that weight and now I HAVE to go to the gym)... and THEN I wrote my piece while roasting the potatoes I can't eat. (See it here now).
So... Arizona will be delayed another day. In the meantime, here's another funny email I received (this one courtesy of my sister).
Atheist Sees Image of Big Bang in Slice of Toast
Huddlesfield, UK | Excitement is growing in this northern England town following news that a local man saw an image of the Big Bang in a piece of toast. Thirty-six year old atheist Donald Chapman was sitting down for breakfast when an unusual toast pattern caught his eye.
"I was just about to spread the butter when I noticed a fairly typical small hole in the bread surrounded by a burnt black ring," Chapman told local newspaper The Huddlesfield Express. "However the direction and splatter patterns of the crumbs, as well as the changing shades emanating outwards from this black hole, were very clearly similar to the chaotic-dynamic non-linear patterns that one would expect following the Big Bang. It's the beginning of the world!" he added excitedly.
Ever since news of the discovery made national headlines, local hoteliers have been overwhelmed by an influx of atheists from all over the country who have flocked to Huddlesfield to catch a glimpse of the scientific relic. "I have always been an atheist and to see my life choices validated on a piece of toast is truly astounding," said one guest at the Huddlesfield Arms Hotel.
To the surprise of many, the U.K. Atheist Association has asked its members not to pay attention to the story despite its potential to inspire less faith. "Given what the religious believe already, this is an easy sell," said one disgruntled activist who said he was going to Huddlesfield anyway, noting that "seeing is not believing."
1 cup of water 1 tsp baking soda 1 cup of sugar 1 tsp salt 1 cup of brown sugar 1 cup lemon juice 4 large eggs 1 cup nuts 2 cups of dried fruit 1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl; check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK; try another cup ...just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet.
Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each.Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all costs. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
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