Socal Mom by Donna Schwartz Mills

Life Beyond Gymnastics

A couple of weeks ago, I blogged about my daughter's announcement that she wanted to quit gymnastics. At the time, I'd hoped it was a passing folly; a brief adolescent cry for independence.

This week, she made it clear that she was serious about leaving the sport that has consumed her and our family for the last several years. We gave notice on Thursday that she was quitting her team, and I wrote about it here.

I've been getting a lot of comments on that post (both at LA Moms Blog and 50-Something Moms Blog, where I re-posted it). Most are like this one I received from my friend, "Cynematic:

"I really have to say, that's amazing that you're rolling with it with such equanimity. Kudos to you for giving your daughter the space to make choices about her life, and letting us know it's not as easy as it looks."

If only that was true.

When it was apparent that her decision was final, she accused me of being mad at her, and I denied it – but I was.

I was pissed off that now I had to figure out what to do with her for the summer. And I was pissed off that a gymnastics scholarship – while I knew it was something I shouldn’t count on – was no longer even a possibility. And I was pissed off that my dream of watching her achieve her dream of gymnastics glory had died… even though her goals had probably changed a long time ago.

Most of all, I was pissed off that we were losing such a big part of our life that had become comfortable and now everything is just so uncertain – at a time when I really need to cling to what little stability I have. (Having my house all messed up has done a big emotional number on me.)

I gave notice to the gym on Thursday and started to cry – and I am still breaking out in sobs at times.

It was helpful to hear from other moms that they felt the same way when their kids lost their passion for things that had previously “defined” them. Soccer, dance, music…  Kids turn 12 or 13 and everything changes. (One of the moms at our Open House Thursday told me that she’s still upset her daughter stopped piano lessons – and that was two years ago.)

I’m disturbed that so much of my own ego had been tied up in her accomplishments. I’ve tried hard to stay back and let her do her thing, but parental involvement is necessary when a kid commits to a sport like this – and then it’s hard to keep your own stuff out of the way. So I also feel guilty.

And I’ve been passive-aggressive with her, starting a lot of sentences with “Now that you’re not in gym, you have time for [household chores, continuing Hebrew school, coming with me to Costco, etc. ] so I feel guilty about that, too.

But we’re moving on. I sent off the check for tennis camp and have learned that quite a number of kids she knows will be there, too. We’re shopping for running shoes today (I am praying she chooses tennis over track because I cannot think of anything more boring than sitting through a track meet). Her father (who played tennis in college) is delighted to be taking her shopping for a better racquet this weekend.

And I’m contacting friends she hasn’t seen in a while to set up get-togethers (they are too old for “playdates,” but that’s the idea).

And I’m looking at the bright side: I'm hopeful that whatever she chooses will cost us less than the $7,000 per year we’ve been spending on gym.

We Meet Shawn Johnson... And Contemplate The End

Yesterday afternoon, I was able to treat my daughter to a rare opportunity: a personal chat with Olympic gold medalist and Dancing With the Stars finalist Shawn Johnson.

I was referred to the meet and greet (part of a promotion by Oscar Mayer Lunchables and the Woodward camps) by LA Mom Blogger Elizabeth Peterson, who knows that I blog quite a bit about my daughter's participation in competitive gymnastics.

On Monday afternoon, just as I was getting ready to drive her to her workout, my daughter dropped a bombshell on me.

"I want to quit gym," she said, tears streaming down her face.

I've written a lot about the sacrifices my daughter makes to participate in this crazy sport. I also confess to a bit of smugness about it, because in contemplating the adolescent storm she has now entered, her dedication to gymnastics makes ME feel very secure. If she is spending 20 hours a week at gym, she won't have time for activities that might get her into trouble.

But I also know that the reason she excels in the sport is because she LOVES it. There is NO WAY you can MAKE a child spend all of her evenings and most of her weekends in a hot, chalky gym unless she or he is having FUN. And I have always known that there might come a time when she might not feel that way about it any longer.

The question is: Is THIS really THAT time?

"It's not my favorite thing any more. I'm not enjoying it."

This statement is flabbergasting to me, my husband, my friends and my family, who have all seen my child at home, practicing floor routines (not just hers but the routines of all her teammates). But if it's true -- if she really isn't enjoying it any longer -- she should be allowed to quit.

But exiting gymnastics would leave a huge 20-hour-a week void in her life -- not to mention the fact that I count on her being at gym during the summer so I can work n peace. I absolutely don't want her to spend her days hanging out at home watching TV or prowling the local mall. I don't think she wants that, either. She has too much energy for that.

"If you do quit, you need to find another sport," I told her.

"I've been thinking I might try track and field. Or tennis."

Now that the bomb was dropped, she went out back to sit on our diving board, dangling her feet in our pool. I called the gym to let them know she wasn't coming -- and why. Her coaches weren't there yet. I was told to expect one of them to give me a call.

I started researching summer track and tennis programs in our area.

I hadn't seen any previous indication that she was tiring of the sport. In fact, she was moving full steam ahead: she had been promoted to Level 8 after just three meets at Level 7 (the third was her state competition). She had momentum. Her coach was training her on tough new skills at advanced levels 8-10.

Ahhhh...

"I've been thinking about this since just before state," she told me. About a month. Since her 13th birthday.

"I can't do the double back flip on the high beam, and that's what I've been assigned for the tumble-a-thon. All I do is fall and my coach has to catch me. Every time. I hate it."

Ah-haaaah...

The tumble-a-thon is our new old gym's current fundraiser. It's like a walk-a-thon, where the kids find sponsors... only instead of paying for laps walked, they have to pay for successful performance of assigned skills. Megan's coach probably thought she was encouraging her to try harder at this skill -- but my daughter's perfectionism -- which is an asset for a gymnast -- may also be causing her a major bout with fear of failure.

In hindsight, maybe her coach should have assigned her a skill she's already mastered -- a conclusion I think she now shares, judging from the chat we had when she called.

"I don't want to talk to her," Megan sulked.

I relayed the information.

"She's 13," her coach noted in a way that seemed to say that explains everything. "Put me on speaker," she said.

Megan scowled and turned her back at me when I pressed the speaker button.

Her coach admitted to riding her pretty hard the last couple of weeks. She told her that she was going to lighten up, and ease off on that double back handspring on the high beam. She begged her to come in -- even if just to talk. She said that they would be having FUN that day.

Megan wouldn't hear any of it. She walked away from me and my phone and locked herself in her room. I thanked her coach for calling and told her I'd keep her posted.

"You are going to have to talk to your coaches," I told Megan.

"Why?" she asked.

"Because you can't just leave without having a discussion. They need to know why. It's helpful for you and it's helpful for them."

Silence.

"Even when you quit a job, you have to have an exit interview," I told her.

It was obvious that talking about it any more that afternoon was not going to be productive -- so I grabbed one of the gift cards she received for her birthday and took her shopping, which brightened the mood a little. I resisted the urge to make a stop at the gym, even though we were in the neighborhood.

Monday night, Megan received a text message from her coach. "Shavahn wants me to call her tomorrow after school," she sighed. And when one of her teammates called her after practice, we overheard Megan tell her she intended to quit... "unless Shavahn talks me out of it."

Megan also complained that she learned that Monday's workout had turned into a "fun day" - heavy on silly games and light on conditioning. "I didn't want to miss that! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?" she whined.

So there was hope.

On Tuesday, Megan finally talked to her coach.

"What did she say?" I asked Megan eagerly.

"She said that when she was a gymnast, she almost quit five different times -- but always decided to come back. And it all began when she was 13."

"So what are you going to do?" I asked.

"I guess I'll give it a try. She says that we're going to have a lot more fun days. And that in the summer, we'll have days when we do beach trips or go to Magic Mountain."

So she's back at gym... for now. But she says she still feels confused. I guess that's why I couldn't resist asking Shawn Johnson about it (check out the look on my daughter's face when she hears my question):

See the rest of our interview with Shawn Johnson here.

The Injury is Only Knee Deep

My daughter injured her knee on Friday, and as of yesterday, she was still complaining that it hurt.

Ironically, she did NOT hurt herself in gymnastics. No, she strained or sprained a ligament during one of the 20-minute runs she's forced to do during her school PE class. (You know - the one I maintain she DOESN'T NEED because she spends four hours a day in gymnastics.)

My child is tough - and I continue to thank God that after nearly six years of dedicating herself to this sport, she's never had a major injury... not that I would be able to notice right away. She rarely complains of pain after her workout -- even when it includes some serious conditioning.

That's how I knew I needed pay attention to this one. I spent much of yesterday trying to figure out if we needed a doctor to look at it... and then, how and when to get her to one.

I don't have a lot of experience with this. My own mother was extremely protective. It helped that I am a natural-born couch potato and didn't WANT to participate in any sports. Therefore, I am one of the few people I know who made it to adulthood without ever breaking a bone. (I was in my 40's when I finally did break my little toe - but that's another story.)

So I haven't a clue how to take care of a sports injury.

Fortunately, my circle of friends include other moms who do. So many of Megan's teammates have had bouts with knee problems that I felt relatively secure sending her to gym -- but I asked her coach if he would tape her knee for her.

He did me one better. He called in the mom of another girl on the team, who happens to be a physical therapist.

She looked at Megan's knee, asked her to stand, checked out her legs. Megan told her that as long as the knee was taped up, she didn't feel any pain while doing her gymnastics moves - but it did hurt to walk.

She pointed to Megan's feet.

"They're relatively flat," she said. I had never noticed that before!

In fact, few of the girls on the team have much in the way of arches.

"It's a gymnast thing," she told me. "They're really strong. But if they don't have proper arch support when they run, they end up putting too much stress on their knees, and this kind of injury is common."

She suggested we take Megan to an orthotic, a medical professional who could fit her with an insert for her athletic shoes (and she has promised me a referral to one in our area).

In the meantime, she made the following suggestions:

• Ice the knee twice a day or the rest of the week.

• The best way to make a cold compress: Freeze water in small Dixie cups. You can then peel back some of the paper to expose the ice (while still having something dry to hold on to).

• Rub the injured spot in a circular motion for 10-15 minutes.

• In a pinch, you can use a package of frozen vegetables, like peas. Wet a dishrag and wrap it burrito-style around the vegetable package and hold it on the injured spot.

• Take an over-the-counter anti-inflammatory product for the next 72 hours. Aleve was her first choice (because it's strong and only needs to be dosed twice a day - important when the patient goes to school and can't carry over-the-counter medicine), but if Megan has trouble stomaching it, she suggested we switch to ibuprofen.

• Don't over do it, even if she's feeling better. That means, no more running for the rest of the week.

I wrote a note advising the school of her knee injury and requesting that she be excused from running. Megan says that will keep her off the track for three days. Anything longer than that requires a doctor's note. As she's due for another 20-minute run on Friday (and has PE last), I may end up getting her out of school early that day.

After all, she has another meet on Saturday -- and she wants to perform well.

The other team mom has promised to tape her knee for her then, too.

Freedom to Marry Carnival: Something New

I'm participating in Robin's second annual Freedom to Marry Week Freedom to Marry Carnival.

Yesterday, I posted about Something Old.

Today's topic is Something New. And even though my posts about my daughter's gymnastics might be getting old to some of you -- this weekend, we experienced a lot of firsts.

We attended our first gymnastics meet in Las Vegas. It was Megan's debut competition as a Level 7.

And for the first time, she got to wear her glamorous new crystal-studded competition leotard. It cost me a whopping $170, so I ordered it a little bit big -- I would like to get a couple of years' wear out of it.

And I was a little bit annoyed when I heard that her coach was upset about that. "Your mom should have ordered you the right size. She can always get you a new one when you outgrow it," is the gist of what she told my daughter.

I really love the creativity and energy of my daughter's very YOUNG coaches, but sometimes I get a little bit frustrated by the fact that they haven't had many life experiences yet -- not least of all, the difficulty of paying for a very expensive sport during tough economic times. 

That said... I think my daughter looks gorgeous in the video I shot below (even if she does keep having to adjust her leo at the end of her routines):

Home from School + Gymnastics = Getting Nothing Done

It was silly of me to think that resuming my usual schedule would be easy after Christmas. Not when LAUSD students get an additional week off from school.

Of course, I probably should not have agreed to go to last week's PBS event - but THAT was fun.

So now, my huge backlog of material to write about is even um, "huger." I'm going to start dealing with that on Monday.

In the meantime, I thought you might like to see what my daughter has been working on this week: She had a practice meet over the weekend, and these are the first videos I've taken of her new, Level 7 routines (not counting the last one I posted, where she falls spectacularly off the beam).