I've always struggled with my emotions -- but not in the way most people do. I don't hide my feelings well... or at all. It's fine when I'm feeling happy, because happiness is contagious and people LIKE being around me then.
But right NOW, my family and friends are having a hard time dealing with me, because I'm sad -- and I can't help showing it.
What they don't understand is that I am TRYING to bring myself out of my funk, and I've had some success at it... but my emotional state is very up and down right now, and it's hard to predict where it's going to be at any one moment.
On Sunday, our synagogue held a small ceremony for the 7th graders graduating from Hebrew School, and by the time the rabbi got through his sales pitch to keep the kids there for the confirmation program, I was a sobbing mess.
NOTE TO SELF: Pack tissues until this passes, as I've been bursting into tears A LOT since Megan's decision to quit gymnastics.
In fact, I've been wondering if I might be clinically depressed.
"Then you should see a doctor," my sister advised. "This isn't normal."
Well, it's not normal for HER. But my carefully crafted little world has been rocked this year: my home was invaded by a destructive fungus, the economy has taken a toll on our finances, and my sweet little daughter has turned into a teenager overnight -- plus, I have a possible surgery looming ahead.
My sister's advice to see a doctor reminded me of what it was like the times I actually was diagnosed with depression (and both of those bouts were triggered by outside events that were out of my control: the death of a friend and the loss of a job, so there's a precedent for that). However, this doesn't feel the same. I don't feel sad ALL THE TIME -- just some of the time.
This isn't depression. It's just... a lot of change coming at me all at once -- in the areas of my life that used to feel constant: My home, my family, my self. But like the things that made me depressed, NONE OF IT IS WITHIN MY CONTROL.
Plus, I feel like I have NOTHING to look forward to.
Last year, I lost weight, got featured in People magazine, traveled, went to both BlogHer AND the Democratic National Convention...
This year? I am watching my friends and family doing all sorts of exciting things while I feel left behind, because I've been focused on working on my virtual assistant business and putting our house back in order.
Last year I felt like I was moving ahead professionally and personally (even if I wasn't earning any income from it). This year, I spend my days plowing ahead on tasks I don't particularly enjoy (even if I like the people I'm working with) and listening to my husband nag me about getting a "real" job... something that seems even more impossible now that my daughter will no longer have the anchor of daily after-school gymnastics.
So last year was a good one. This one sucks. That's life. It will get good again -- just not very soon.
So I'm taking on more VA clients and hoping that will suffice for a while... and trying to let go of any dreams of having any FUN this year.
"You're re-doing your kitchen. Isn't that something to look forward to?"
Yeah, and I WILL enjoy that when it's done.
But I'd rather NOT be doing this AT THIS TIME. This home renovation was forced on me. We didn't plan for it and it's taken on a life of its own. And it's one of the reasons I have to take on more work I don't exactly enjoy and keeping me away from doing the things I love.
And I know that in the big picture, my stupid little complaints are NOTHING. So I feel guilty for throwing myself this little pity party... but that doesn't make me feel any better.
But writing this post does...
I spent over a decade in therapy. This blog is what keeps me (more or less) sane.
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