A Little Comic Relief

I'm still functioning in "responsible" mode - watching my weight, cleaning the house, paying the bills... I may even surprise my tax accountant and give her my records on time.

Can you tell it's January?

All this perfection cannot last. I'm not even sure what has prompted it -- I don't make resolutions any longer. I am starting to think that this is a coping mechanism for the dreary economic environment. When things spin out of control, you focus on the things you can actually manage.

And despite the joy I felt last week over the Inauguration (which I still experience every time I hear that President Obama has signed a new bill or has made a new appointment... which has been like, EVERY DAY since he took office -- and isn't THAT refreshing? I mean, this man has a work ethic!) -- it's hard to feel joyful when you're living on significantly less income... and you're not even sure THAT's going to last.

So I was grateful when I received the email I'm reprinting below. The friend who sent it to me is a political conservative whose anxiety about the future is probably not being tempered by happiness over the fresh energy in Washington -- so I think she may have needed to laugh even more:

Some of you may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? Don't you miss their humor? Not one single swear word in their comedy...

(Note: Even though there are no swear words, these jokes are NOT politically correct, especially if you are a Jewish feminist. They are definitely of another era... but still funny.)

• There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.

• A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

• I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

• I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

• Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

• We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

• My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

• She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

• She got  a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

• I was just in London- there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

• The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

• The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!

• "Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

• A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

• A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know, you're the one who's working".

• Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

• Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

• I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

• The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

• There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In the Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers ?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.

• A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" The mother answered. "Not too good. "I've been very weak" The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" "Because I don't want my mouth to be full of food if you should call"

• A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark . I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

• Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us; we won; let's eat.

• Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.