Peer Pressure

I've always taken pride in the fact that my daughter didn't have time for a lot of the silly things girls do. She was never all that in to dressing up like a princess or a little tart, only played with makeup when she was with friends who did that, and didn't care about clothes; wearing whatever I gave her.

That was then. Now, she's a middle schooler on the cusp of adolescence and she's got ideas of her own.

Well, sort of her own. As she spends so many hours a week training at her gym, she's thrown in with lots of other girls spanning ages from 7 to 16. And she's become very much influenced by the teenagers.

Since these kids spend all that time wearing leotards, you wouldn't think that would make a difference. But the older girls are good at individualizing their workout gear by wearing shorts, sweats (when it's cold) and t-shirts over their leos.

But these are teenage and pre-teen girls, and when I used the word "individualizing," I wasn't exactly precise. They all veer towards the same style sweats and t-shirts, from the same store -- like a uniform. That store is Abercrombie & Fitch.

A few years ago, Abercrombie's kids stores arrived in our local malls, and now even the third grade girls can go to gym looking just like the high schoolers.

I've been accused by members of my family of being indulgent with Megan. And they're right. Part of that stems from the fact that she's an only child, so she gets a lot more of our attention -- and disposable income -- than she would if she had to share us with siblings.

But another part of that originates with unresolved issues from my childhood; issues that, even after years of therapy, remain unresolved. I was a lonely, unhappy, troubled little girl with a poor self-image, no social life and few friends. I know that a lot of the decisions I have made for my daughter -- allowing her to get so deep into her sport, ensuring that she has a wide network of kids to hang out with -- and yes, buying her the clothes she asks for (as long as they are age-appropriate) -- could be described as living my life through hers. In a weird way, I'm trying to set things right by giving her the things I couldn't have.

I was a lot like her when I started middle school in that I'd just started to get interested in style and fashion. But it was just at that point that our family experienced some major economic stress. My dad lost his job. So we sold our four-bedroom house and moved into a two-bedroom apartment, where I had to share a room with my sister for the first time. And worse of all: we could no longer afford to shop in the fine department stores on Wilshire and were now buying discount.

Yeah, I know how silly that sounds to an adult. But I'm speaking as the bewildered, unhappy, 11-year-old girl who was smart in class but too shy to talk to anyone because she felt like a freak. And a girl like that desperately wants to seem as if she fits in, and the quickest way to do that is to dress like her peers.

I am proud of the fact that my daughter is growing up without the same challenges I had, that she is just as smart as I was, but also fit and healthy and has a wide circle of friends. And, I hate to admit it, but I'm proud of the fact that she is a pretty girl. I know, that's not supposed to matter in a post-feminist age, and maybe I'm just too much a SoCal native, but I just think life is easier for people who are attractive,

So when Megan decided she wanted some Abercrombie t-shirts like the ones her friends wear, I got them for her.

She wears them over her leotards and under her school regulation polo shirts.

And when she made out her holiday gift list, she asked for Abercrombie gift cards.

While she's happy to wear a long t-shirt under those school polos, I have a hard time getting her to wear a jacket when it's cold out. In fact, since the weather has cooled, we argue about this most mornings when she's getting ready for school.

She has already lost two zip-hooded sweatshirts I've purchased for her, and a school rain slicker was stashed in her PE locker for weeks until I hounded her to bring it home, as she might just need it someday. Thinking ahead to our ski trip in Utah, my gift shopping list included a warm jacket. And with the arrival of a check from my parents to shop for them, I knew just where to buy it.

I picked out the least expensive wintry one I could find. It's white (so it conforms to the school colors) and looks warm. But it has fake fur trim on the hood, and when we've shopped together, Megan has told me she doesn't like that style. I bought her a size Medium anyway, which looked a little big but the Small looked too small and for that kind of money, I would want her to be able to wear it for more than one season.

A cold winter storm blew into SoCal last night, and the weather report on the radio said that we would have sporadic rainfall for most of the day. So I told Megan that I wanted her to open one of her Chanukah presents this morning instead of waiting until we light candles tonight.

"Oh. You must have bought me a jacket," she said wearily.

She perked up when she ripped off the paper and saw the gift box.

"It's just a box. I actually bought the jacket at Target," I joked. Her face fell... and then perked up again when she saw the Abercrombie label.

"Do you like it?" I asked, hopefully.

She did. "This must have cost $90," she said.

Wow. She was close. This is the first time I realized that she looks at and remembers the prices.

She was still excited when we were leaving for school and she put the jacket on for the first time. The length is perfect, but the sleeves are a little long. I helped her cuff them and hoped she would be OK with that.

But everything changed when we got to the car, and saw that the clouds had passed and the sun was poking out.

"Are you sure it's going to rain?" my daughter asked.

Well, that's what it said on the news. As if to emphasize that, the weather report came back on the radio and it said rain on and off all day.

Then we got to the school.

"No one is wearing heavy jackets," she cried. Oh no. The jacket she loved one hour ago was now in the doghouse, because she thinks it makes her different. And not in a good way.

Sure they are. I tried pointing them out to her.

"No, those are just sweats. They're not like this. And I don't think it's going to rain." She started to remove her jacket.

DO NOT TAKE OFF THAT JACKET, I snarled. IT'S GOING TO RAIN TODAY AND YOU WILL BE COLD AND WET.

"But it's not going to rain! The weather report is always wrong."

DO NOT TAKE OFF THE JACKET.

She harumphed and got out of the car. "I'm the only one wearing this and I'm going to be hot all day," was her parting shot.

It is now 10:00 and the second wave of the storm has arrived. I've never been so happy to see it rain in my life.

Comments

[Grace]

I can just SEE me having this EXACT conversation with my daughter someday in the nearish future. She's just getting more opinionated about what types of clothing (skirt vs jeans vs capris) she'd like to wear right now. In 5 years? OMG!

This is such a great story!! It really makes me miss Cali (we moved from Newport Beach to Utah about a year ago). It's currently snowing right now... I miss not having to wear a jacket.

[Jill]

Oh how I dread my daughters' adolescent years!!!

[bmgmom]

I love this post. My (same age) daughter also loves Abercrombie...
so that's a conversation that could happen right here any day now...I feel for you and am so happy for you that it stormed. Hooray!