You know what I'm talking about. It's one of those times when, despite your best efforts to do the right thing and be a good guy, you end up being the asshat who ruins the party for everyone else.
My latest one occurred tonight at the new ArcLight in Sherman Oaks, that pristine, first-class viewing spot for those who worship at the temple of motion picture purity.
I had been looking forward to meeting my blogging friend Michele there, to try out the cafe and then see an AFI screening of the 1950 classic, "Sunset Boulevard." This is the kind of thing I used to do all the time... thirty years ago, when I was a broke college student who had the time to take advantage of free university and film festival screenings of classic old movies. Lately, not so much.
I have a husband who could not care less about seeing movies and is allergic to viewing them in black and white, and I have a daughter who is not yet 12 and doesn't have the patience for the pace and leisurely storytelling of the pre-MTV years. So when Michele said she was up to go to this screening, I was excited. A great old movie in a great theater -- and a rare girls' night out.
And we had a wonderful time. The food in the ArcLight cafe (which veers more toward light bites than heavier fare) was the perfect start to our evening. Michele even had a martini (something that is still off limits to me while I'm on this bloody diet). We chatted, we stopped at the snack bar for the ArcLight's sumptuous caramel corn (for Michele, of course) and found our reserved seats smack in the middle of the theater, with no problem.
"I'd better do this now before I forget," I said, as I took my cell phone and put it on silent. I didn't need the nice usher to tell me to do it, nor did I need the nice AFI rep to remind me that the audience of film buffs would not be appreciative of someone who is texting during the screening (because the light from the phone would be distracting). Because I am also the type of person who HATES people who talk through movies and don't turn off their cell phones.
You all know where this is going, don't you? In two years of owning the Razr, I've never had a problem turning the ringer off. Until tonight, in the final reel of the movie, when everything is about to come to a head. My phone went off. Apparently, I'd only managed to turn the ring to soft, not silent.
And here's where it got really Davidean. Because at this point, I didn't know whether I should pick up the phone and turn it off (thereby exposing myself as the culprit) or just let it be. There was only one person who could be calling me -- my husband. And he knew I was at a movie. And he also knows that I ALWAYS turn off my ringer when I'm at the movie.
So I was sure he wouldn't try to call me again.
But he did.
And this time, Michele -- who saw me turn off my ringer and so was certain that the phone belonged to the people in the next row -- told them loudly to turn it off.
So now I'm completely mortified.
"It's me," I hissed, as I lunged for my bag and started fumbling for the phone. By the time I picked it up, it had stopped ringing, so I went for the ringtone menu to silence it once and for all. But the ringtone kept showing up as Soft instead of Silent. So I tried it a second time. And then again...
...and was interrupted by my husband, calling me at the movies a THIRD time.
I picked it up, whispered something to the effect that I'm at the movies, and hung up on him. Then I finally silenced the damned thing.
But then, I started to worry. After all, why would he be so persistent in calling me while I was at the movies? Had something bad happened? Was our daughter all right?
I glanced aside at the row of people seated beside me. After I'd already disrupted the film with my illegal cell phone activities, did I really want to gather up my huge shoulder bag and stumble all over them to leave the theater and call my husband back? Especially since we were in the final fifteen minutes of the movie?
I slunk deep into my seat and decided to wait it out, and once I was safely back in the lobby, I called him back. He was sleepy. He said he was just wondering where I was. And he wanted to say good night.
OK. Now he KNEW I was meeting a friend for dinner and a movie. It's true that I never told him what time the movie started, but you would think he would figure out that if I'm not answering the phone at the movies, I must still be watching??
Anyway... to my fellow patrons at the ArcLight, mea culpa. I was the asshat with the phone that kept ringing.
To my husband: The ArcLight will be holding regular AFI screenings on Monday nights, and Michele and I plan to attend some more of them.
To both parties: I'll be leaving the phone in the car.
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