The Ghost of Emily Litella

I took my car in today for its final (I hope!) repair after the robbery in January.

Between the deductibles on the insurance for both autos, the car rentals while the vehicles were in the shop, installing a new alarm on husband's car and replacing what was taken from us, I figure the little break-in has cost us about $2500. Never mind the time we both have had to spend to take care of all these things.

Thanks, criminals. I hope the Razr and discontinued iPod mini with a bad battery were worth it to you.

I had brought my car in for repairs two weeks ago, only to discover that they had not received all the necessary parts as scheduled. So when I returned the original rental, I told them I would be back in a week or so. The manager gave me his card with a notation that I was entitled to a free upgrade.

That was good, because I really hated the little Nissan Sentra I was given the last time around. It's not that there was anything really wrong with it -- it's just that this was not one of their newer models. It had over 40,000 miles on it, lots of scratches and interior stains, and smelled of cigarettes. Also, after driving the Volvo around for six months, the Sentra felt flimsy. (In comparison, the S60 drives like a tank - a sleek, turbocharged tank). So the one nice thing about having to bring my car in AGAIN was that it might be fun to drive something a little bit different. A little bit fun.

The nice lady at Enterprise first offered me a Chevy Malibu. Eh.

She then pointed to a silver Equinox.

When I was shopping for my car last year, I pretty much steered clear of the SUV's, more for their rollover problems and gas consumption than any real dislike of them. I enjoy being able to cart a bunch of Megan's friends around, and I think driving them is kind of fun -- but I figured one SUV in the family is enough. (My husband drives a Honda Pilot, and as a geologist who regularly has to go off-road for work with lots of heavy tools and equipment, he's one of the few people I know who actually NEEDS this kind of vehicle.)

But it was kind of cute for a Chevy, and I figured that for one low-mileage day (all I needed to do was some grocery shopping and take Megan to Hebrew school), I could live with the gas guzzling.

The Equinox handled pretty nicely. It felt a lot lighter than Gareth's Pilot (probably easier to rollover, I reminded myself). I spent a few minutes adjusting the mirrors and setting the radio station buttons before I did anything else. I had no problems with it -- until I got to the Ralph's parking lot. I tried locking it from the door, but it wouldn't lock. That's when I noticed that there was no remote entry function on the keyring they gave me. I locked it manually and bought my groceries.

When I returned, I attempted to open the back hatch and discovered there was no lock there. In fact, the only lock was on the driver's door. No problem. I used the key to unlock it and attempted to unlock the hatch from the door.

And that's when I discovered that the Equinox came equipped with an alarm. An alarm that got louder as I tried to fiddle with it. An alarm that WOULD NOT turn off until I closed the door and locked it again.

I called Enterprise. "You didn't give me a remote for this car and now I can't turn off the alarm," I told them.

"That feature doesn't come standard on every car," was the reply.

"But I can't turn off the alarm," I repeated.

"Nobody has ever complained about that before," said the woman on the phone. I took this to mean that she thought I had done something to the car to make it behave this way; something out of the ordinary that no normal person would do.

"It should go off when you turn on the engine," I was advised. I unlocked the car again and the noise started back up. "This is really annoying," I said. "May I bring it back and exchange it for another?" She said that would be OK.

I had to keep the engine running while I loaded the groceries into the back of the car, and I deliberately left it unlocked while I put them away in the house. I hoped that the people who broke into our cars weren't actually neighbors who would steal this unlocked car with an open hatch while it sat for five minutes on my driveway (yes, I am still suffering from a bit of paranoia after this experience).

When I returned the car, I decided to leave it locked so they could see for themselves. I remembered that I had first tried to lock it from the inside, so I hit the lock button on the door again. And sure enough, when the young office manager unlocked the car so he could note the mileage, the alarm went off.

I felt smug. "See? I bet this car is supposed to have a remote but someone else didn't return it."

"I guess that's possible," he said. He locked the car again - without first pressing the button in the door. He unlocked it. No alarm.

So I suppose I did set the alarm myself by using that button. If I had taken the time to read the manual in the glove box before driving off, I probably would have figured that out. But I ask you -- do you take the time to do this every time you rent a car for a day? Before you've realized that the car has features you don't understand?

They did let me take a different car -- a cute little Jeep Liberty. But I still drove away feeling somewhat sheepish.

Lately, I remind myself of Emily Litella, a character Gilda Radner used to do in the early days of Saturday Night Live. Emily was an old lady who would be introduced during the show's Weekend Update section, and she would deliver an impassioned editorial on some hot issue -- something like, "What is all this fuss I hear about the Supreme Court decision on a "deaf" penalty? It's terrible! Deaf people have enough problems as it is!" 

Upon hearing what the editorial had actually been about, she would say "Oh. That's different. Never mind." (Thanks to Wikipedia for this actual example.)

I've been having a lot of "Never mind" moments these days. I had a couple of good ones last week, when I was trying to set up my computer.

To fully understand how humiliated I felt, I need to tell you about the conversation I had with the sales clerk who sold me my new machine.

"Would you like us to set your computer up for you? It's free this week."

When I told him I didn't need them to install my program for me, he got insistent. "It's not that easy. You should let us set it up for you."

This kind of got my dander up. I have probably been using computers (and setting them up myself) since before that kid was born (a phrase I refrained from actually saying to him). I'm not sure what bothered me more -- that he thought I wasn't knowledgeable about computers -- or that he thought I was old (and therefore wasn't knowledgeable about computers). As he completed the sale, he asked to see my ID.

"You're just a year older than my mom," he said.

That settled it. He was treating me like an imbecile because he thought I was old.

So you can imagine my sheepishness when I started setting up my new computer and it did not go as smoothly as I'd expected.

For one thing, new computers no longer come with printed manuals. It was easy enough to access the PDF manual on the hard drive -- but the information I needed resided somewhere on the Sony website, and the links would not work because I could not figure out how to access the computer's "SmartWi Utility." There was reference to a separate Smart WiConnection Utility Guide. The user manual instructs:

"To access this on-screen guide:

1. Click Start and Help and Support.

2. Cick Manuals & Specifications.

3. Click SmartWi Connection Utility Guide."

I did the first two steps without a problem -- but there was NO listing for a SmartWi Connection Utility Guide. I finally found the SmartWi utility by clicking on the Start button and scrolling through the programs, and I was able to get online without the guide.

But I discovered that I needed it again after I activated the wireless broadband service that came free (for 30 days) with the computer. I wanted to give it a try. And for the life of me, I couldn't figure out how to access it.

I brought up the User Manual again. I clicked around, trying to find the utility, to no avail. I was convinced that somehow, my computer had shipped without it. I went on to Sony.com to see if I could download another copy, but all they had was the User Guide. After literally HOURS of this, I decided to try technical support.

I chatted online with "Amy":

Amy: I would like to forward a link to a page where you can download the manual.

Donna: I've been on that page. I already have the User Guide. What I don't have is the Smart WiFi Utility Connection Guide that page refers to. It is not an option on the menu that the User Guide directed me to. Which is extremely frustrating

Amy: Are you able to view the page?

Donna: I looked at this documentation and that page before i contacted you since i can't find what i'm looking for/p>

Amy: Please press the SmartWi utility guide and press the F1 button for help.

Donna: I DON'T HAVE THE SMART WIFI UTILITY GUIDE. At least, I cannot find it. How can I press it if I can't find it?

Amy: Please refer to page number 7 of the manual find information about the SmartWi utility guide.

Donna: This is information about the VAIO Recovery Guide. Is that what you want me to access? Or esupport which is how I got here in the first place? I feel like I'm running around in circles because I have been on this page about a dozen times in the last 24 hours

Amy: Donna, please press the F1 button after opening the application to access the SmartWi utility guide.

The link she sent me was the one to download the User Guide I already had.

Amy: When you receive the link please click on it to open the page and let me know if you are able to view it.

We continued on like this for a while. Then, while I was clicking away on everything I could think of, I tried the WiFi Connection Utility listed in programs off the Start button. That's when I discovered one of the new features of Vista: That the Start button menu expands when you click on the program icon instead of the program name. That's how I finally found the SmartWi Utility Connection Guide, which did indeed exist on my computer.

And I had to tell Amy, "Never mind."

Twenty years ago, when I worked on The Tonight Show, Johnny used to do a lot of jokes about old people who could not program a VCR to stop flashing "12:00." I have always thought of myself as technologically proficient, but I am increasingly discovering that the world of technology is leaving me behind. And this is a feeling I do not like.

Comments

[Tammom]

Don't knock those SUVs m'dear -- I'm pretty sure I've never heard you say you've had a rollover in one (just the fear of it). We have a 1998 Ford Explorer (yes, THE supposed bad year one) that has over 100k miles on it and we have NEVER been in a rollover or accident with it. I moved myself and 2 of the kids and 1 dog 1500 miles to TX in it with absolutely no problems. Frankly, it's the best auto (price-wise and repairs-after-paid-off)we've ever had. Then we have a GMC Suburban - kinda needed that 4WD tank in the winters of Utah - especially when you have 4 kids who think they own the ski slopes! It not only has room for all of those dangerously long feet apparatus (or would that be apparati?) and poles ... but, enough extra cig lighters to plug an iPod, cell phone, laptop AND thermos of hot chocolate into for the non-skiing mom! And if that weren't enough, we traveled over 15,000 miles this past summer pulling our camper with the big, bad SUV and except for regular maintenance on it (based on the miles and work we put it through), it didn't break the bank, either! Me? I'll never own a *car* again -- I am in love with the space and ride in my SUVs!

[Laura]

It's not you. Just these days everything is hidden. What's the point to that. It's helpful when it's there for me to see. Why should I try to figure it out, that's not helpful.

[Lorna]

flash! flash! flash! Beep!

[Michele]

You feel my pain. I often think about Emily Latella (one of my favorite Gilda characters) when I get all riled up about something I totally misunderstood.

You're fine. If it takes technology to get you feeling this way, I'd say you're completely normal. Now, if like me, you have problems with basic things like doors, floors or chairs - then worry. You are far, far ahead of me in the tech department.

[Jen]

This horrifies me, because I have a feeling we are going to need to upgrade our computers soon.

And right now, we can't access the internet with our bedroom computer, and both D and I are terrified even to try to think about the problem because we don't know who to call to fix it, and we know it's going to be a total pain in the ass.

Sigh.

[Laurie]

Hahahah! I'm Emily Latella, too!!! Plus, who can think of ANYTHING when that d*mn alarm is going off?!

[karoli]

Ha! I'm not sure how I missed this the first time around, but even though you had troubles, I'm glad you didn't let that whippersnapper condescend to you any more than he did.