A Funny One

I started a new post yesterday, about my busy weekend shopping in glamorous Beverly Hills...

...but as usual, life trumps blogging. I can't wait for school to be over so my time can be my own again,

In the meantime, here's a funny one sent me by my friend, Betty. I have to tell you that if I were on this TV show, I'd be one of the first people voted off, because I definitely wouldn't be able to manage all of this:

The next survivor series

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of "pretend" bills with not enough money.

In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment . He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.

Each father will be required to know all of the words to every stupid song that comes on TV and the name of each and every character on cartoons.

Each man must adorn himself with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows groomed. The men must try to get through each day without snot, spit-up or barf on their clothing.

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties.

They must try to explain what a tampon is for when the 6-yr old boy finds it in the purse. 

They must attend weekly school meetings, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

He will need to read a book with the children each night without falling asleep, and then feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name.

Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.

They must clean up after their sick children at 2:00 a.m. and then spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are better.

They must have a loving, age appropriate reply to, "You're not the boss of me" and, "Whatever."

The kids vote them off the island based on performance.

The last man wins only if...he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years...eventually earning the right to be called Mother!

Comments

[DrumsNWhistles]

Geez, I lost before I even got halfway through! LOL. :)

[Rod K]

Been there done that, well almost.

I've been a double parent for the last 4 years and can take credit for doing everything you mentioned except wearing jewelry and makeup, the tight fitting shoes, and I don't carry tampons in my purse.

I also don't have periods but I did live through both girls getting theirs.

Just wait until the kids are teens and you add dealing with boyfriends, going to concerts and dances, and teaching them to drive :O

It just keeps getting better and better :)

[Karie]

Very funny. I guess this is the standard we all strive for. Even though I'm a Mom and not a Dad, I think my kids would probably vote me off first.

[Mary]

This is a good one. Love it! You should propose it to Fox.

[Kris]

This is priceless! I have to say, though that my hubby could easily handle the sports thing, as well as the laundry, dishes, homework, science projects and bills part with his hands tied behind his back. It's the other stuff that he would struggle with. Like the birthday cards, the "whatever" and the no fast food. I think that would do him in. But I'm not complaining.

[Lorna]

Isn't it sad that this is so funny?

[jen]

Hey, I just watched the Oscars and thought of you the whole time!

Were you throwing things at the screen and screaming as certain things won???

I feel like such a traitor because I actually really liked that movie...

But I am dying to hear your reactions!!!!!

[Sarah]

Lmao men dont stand a chance with any of that.

Hope you have a good week. Hugs

[justadad]

Another Survivor Series -- for the stay-at-home mom

Six married women will be dropped in a shared 8ftx6ft cubicle with one job position between them and 3 bosses each for six weeks.

Each boss will have enough work to fill 40 hours a week (for 120 hrs worth of work); each boss will blame you for their own failures, whether work related or their own lousy marriage.

There is no lunch out. You must work through lunch in your cubicle, eating the lunch you made for yourself while your stay-at-home spouse slept in past your leaving that morning.

Each woman must respond to her 3 bosses; agree that they screwed up each hour; write his reports; solve the boss’ problems; laugh at her lame jokes—of which you’re the butt; take her skirts to the cleaners on your own time.

Out right competition between the women is unacceptable. Only secret ploys, hidden back-stabbing, traps and indefensible lies are to be used against opponents. Complaining about office politics will not earn points, and doing so at home will earn you a night on the sofa.

Each woman will actually learn to enjoy nights on the sofa after long hours at the office and more hours enduring complaints at home.

Each woman must hand her paycheck over to the stay-at-home spouse and then beg for any “allowance” the spouse feels you deserve. How you “understand” the spouse’s feelings is imperative to whether you will ever actually get that “allowance.”

The job will require each contestant to solve problems for each of 3 bosses that, done effectively, cost millions of dollars and take a year to complete, but you only have two-thousand dollars and six weeks.

Daily, each woman must attend six one-hr meetings while maintaining a work load of another 6 hrs to be completed before leaving the cubicle—in 8 hrs (10 hrs on occasion but be prepared to pay dearly for those extra “personal” hours when you get home). You must endure complaints about your poor work ethic at the company and complaints about over-working when you get home.

Each woman must remember every thing said by each boss whether during meetings, hallway talk, or on the cell phone during commutes. You must remember the boss’ birthdays, anniversaries, spouses’ names, children and many other facts. Forgetting any one of these things will get you fired and thrown out of the game.

Each contestant must endure blame for losing major contracts, which were supposed to pay you. You must endure keeping the anxiety about losing the job to yourself, never telling your spouse, children or any other family member. You must absorb threats of being laid-off and/or fired every day.

Each woman will be responsible for all financial needs of the stay-at-home spouse and children. If the budget is overspent at home, it is your fault for not earning enough.

After a full cubicle bound day, each woman must endure 1 hr in traffic (it was 1.5hrs coming into work). You must be happy and smile entering the home, be prepared to hear complaints about how awful “your” children were, that you need to fix the toilets, look at the car that is making indescribable noises again, that you are completely unromantic, that your hair is too long and that you smell funny.

Each woman will find that while they are at work, the stay-at-home spouse is searching the internet, looking for evidence that they are not actually working, but out cheating. Once a week, they must account for any discrepancy in their life, ranging from how the allowance was spent, what they did with that pre-commute extra fifteen minutes of personal time, and whether or not they are scouring the net for dirty pictures when sitting in their cubicle at work.

Life-accounting will go back to every mistake you made from the first day of marriage.

Work computers are older than your grandma’s wedding ring and are monitored for personal use. Any personal use will get you fired and thrown out of the game.

Each contestant’s stay-at-home spouse will spend hours each day browsing the internet for clothes, decorations and fantasy cruises. But if you use the home-computer in the evenings to check sports scores, you will be harangued for ignoring the children, and be suspected of using it to send secret emails with a ‘net mistress’.

Each contestant’s evenings will be spent in relieving the stay-at-home spouse from family duties so that the spouse may enjoy time away (after all, you get the whole day at work to do as you please). You must not schedule any events or personal time in the evenings. You are in charge of getting homework done, pajamas on, teeth brushed, stories read, prayers said and blankets tucked. You must clean the kitchen and continue finding other places to clean until the spouse has returned feeling tired after a night out with friends.

Each contestant is entirely responsible for retirement funds, children college funds, vacation funds, health benefits, home repairs, disciplining the children (but not your way), understanding completely the feelings of stay-at-home spouse, remembering every feeling and word from the spouse. Additionally, you are responsible for every bad thing your children do or say.

Each woman will have a two-day recurring biological buildup of a hormone that makes you feel edgy and grumpy of you don’t “get any”. Grumpiness is entirely unacceptable by the stay-at-home spouse, whose week-long headaches are “not the cause”. If the spouse does eventually aid you in grumpiness relief, you will owe the spouse big-time and will be made to feel that you took advantage. If you try to take the matter into your own hands, you will be accused of all kinds of “sin” and will risk the fury of attorney bills and divorce threats.

Each weekend, you must spend your time fixing cars, fences, bikes, homes, and whatever else the children or stay-at-home spouse broke. On each Sunday, you will enjoy sermons on how pure, sin-free and wonderful are stay-at-home spouses, but endure fire-n-damnation speeches on how lazy, workoholic, lecherous and downright dirty you are.

Eventually the bosses will vote each woman out of the game based, not on performance, but on which made them look worse to the boss’s boss. The woman that made their 3 bosses look great without ever letting on that the contestants actually did all the work wins another year of the same job, probably with a pay cut that is her fault and will be the source of conflict with the stay-at-home spouse for weeks afterward.

Eventually, the winning contestant will be financially ruined after a divorce that takes three-fourths of whatever you earn and half of any savings you might have tucked away. But as the winner, you will be free again to make all the same mistakes with another spouse.