As writers' assistant on the Tonight Show, I was responsible for typing and distributing scripts, communicating our needs to the other departments (art, props, wardrobe, makeup) and preparing the "desk pieces" for Mr. C.
In the case of a photo piece, that would involve cutting up the the script and taping each joke to the back of the appropriate picture. I was also responsible for preparing the envelopes used in the Carnac bit. The writers would submit about five pages of two-part jokes for this; Johnny would select 10 gags he liked the best. He would number them in the sequence he wanted to perform them in. Then, I would type the first part of the jokes onto a numbered sheet - for instance:
1. HEY DIDDLE DIDDLE.
2. PIGGLY WIGGLY.
etc.
The second part of each joke was then typed onto an index card and sealed in its envelope.
HOW DO YOU GREET YOUR DIDDLE DIDDLE?
WHAT HAPPENED ON KERMIT'S WEDDING NIGHT?
(Thanks to all the NBC specials over the last couple of days for running montages of these bits -- I never would have remembered these actual jokes.)
I lightly pencilled in the joke's number in the corner of each sealed envelope and stacked them in order before delivering the entire piece back to Johnny's assistant. Johnny would memorize the 10 lines on the sheet - I don't recall him ever looking at it during the show...
In those days I had a recurring nightmare that somehow I would screw up the order of those envelopes and cause the Carnac bit -- one of the show's most reliable laugh-getters - to fail. One night, that actually happened.
The desk piece we did that day wasn't Carnac, but a bit that was performed in a similar fashion. There were several two-part jokes, but Ed McMahon was to read the first part of each joke from an index card with Johnny replying with the memorized punchline. I didn't stay for the taping that night, preferring to get home early to spend some quality time with my boyfriend (who is now my husband).
So that night, I watched the show the way most of America did -- in bed, half asleep.
And then Ed read the wrong card. And the next one was wrong, too.
"That's not right," Johnny told him.
"Yes it is," Ed said.
I was suddenly awake. I shot up in the bed and watched as each joke failed. I felt sick. I was certain that when I'd given Ed the cards, they were in the correct order. But what if I hadn't? I mentally retraced my steps from several hours ago and was no longer sure. I was afraid I would walk in the door the next morning and be fired.
"Give me those," Johnny demanded. He took the cards and shuffled them around. "This is right," he said. "You got these out of order."
It was Ed's fault. I felt relieved - but was no longer sleepy. What if, when I got into the office the next morning, it was blamed on me? It really did feel like one of my nightmares.
I was apprehensive the next morning as I got to work. I was greeted by one of the writers.
"What was up with Ed last night?" he asked. "Was he drinking?"
By the time I started working at the show, word was that Ed's image as an imbiber was overblown, so I don't think that was the case. I was just happy that no one blamed me for the bit, which in the end, turned out funny because Johnny and Ed knew how to turn on-air failures into laughs. After all, as my boss used to say, "it's only television." The previous night's show was over and we had another one to do.
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