TODAY'S WEIGHT: 134.2
TARGET: 128
As the weekend wore on, my plan (to eat almost nothing but diet clinic food) wore away.
This should not surprise me. It's hard to control your environment when you're away from home, and I don't have a history of restraining myself at holidays, social gatherings, vacations...
I ate next to nothing all day Saturday - sticking with the clinic food.
But Saturday night, my sister (who is a lot more social than I am) invited several couples over to her place for munchies and wine. There were no healthy options, but then again, I did not ask or insist that she include some (as I did last year when I was in weight loss mode). I chowed down with abandon and did not look back.
I continued ignoring my diet plan on the drive home. My husband loaded the car and put all my clinic food in the back of the SUV - under all the other stuff we were bringing back with us. Did I complain and drag my food out to the front seat (as I would have done last year)? Nope.
We stopped at Starbucks and instead of ordering a "skinny" drink, I opted for one of the high calorie holiday lattes.
We stopped again at Subway, and instead of getting a salad, I had an actual sandwich -- a fat-laden Italian sub, at that.
And after eight hours in a car, dinner was a family meal from Pizza Hut.
I wanted all that food. I wanted the pizza. I wanted to try their new pasta dishes. Resistance was futile.
It all tasted good, but I can't say I enjoyed it -- because all the time I was eating it, I was worried about what it would do to my weight. And of course, I reaped the consequences of it this morning when I got on that scale.
So it would seem that I am deliberately sabotaging my own efforts here. Why?
I read somewhere that once you hit a high weight, your body thinks that's what it is supposed to be, and your body chemistry will try to make you get back there. You'll crave foods. You'll make bad decisions. The cards are just kind of stacked against you. That's one reason why it's so hard to keep your weight off once you've lost it.
So I know all of this. Shouldn't I be able to use this information to resist the temptations?
A funny thing happened when I was at my sister's. My husband had taken a series of photos of us on our wine tasting trip, including one of me from the back and I mentioned that I thought I looked fat. My sister went nuts on me -- telling me that I am becoming "weird" about my weight and that if anything, I've gotten too skinny.
My husband defended me, but he's kind of weird about my weight now, too. He has no idea what I should and should not eat, so every time we sit down to a meal that isn't clinic food, he asks me if I'm allowed to eat what I'm eating. I've told him I'm worried about gaining it all back, and I know that he's concerned -- even if his concern has to do with the money I spent losing it. He's okay with the fact that I spent it, but if I do gain it back there will be hell to pay. At the same time, this is a man who eats ALL THE TIME and is terrified of feeling hungry for even an hour.
I never wanted to be one of those people who is obsessed with her diet and her weight. I hate that sort of thing. But I also know that NOT watching what I was doing, NOT monitoring my weight, NOT making changes in my diet is what led to packing on 56 extra pounds. And if I am not careful now, I will gain it all back -- and then some.
So I guess I need to be a little obsessed. At least, until my body readjusts to its new level.
Today, I'm back on clinic food. All day. And tomorrow, too.
My husband is home from work today, so I probably will not exercise - but I'll go to the gym every other day this week.
I was supposed to meet some old friends for dinner tonight. In order to keep to the diet clinic food, I may have to cancel that meeting.
Dieting sucks.
